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Anarchy! March 31, 2010

Posted by dczarum in Uncategorized.
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Note: The following was written for the April 1st “Anarchy” issue of the Argosy newspaper. It’s basically our once-a-year version of The Onion…

Lebron James Hulks Out of Shirt, Suspended Indefinitely

NBA commissioner and all-around good guy, David Stern, released a statement early Thursday night reprimanding a recent incident involving Cleveland Cavaliers star, Lebron James. Just prior to the opening tip of the March 22nd game between the Cavs and the San Antonio Spurs, Lebron disrupted the usual pre-game festivities by walking to centre court and demanding that the arena staff “cut the music!” before promptly hulking out of his warm-up jersey. The hulking reportedly left many scared or just plain weirded out. In his statement, Commissioner Stern deemed the action to be “completely unnecessary”. During a press conference Wednesday morning, James tried to clarify the incident.  “It was a feat of strength. Straight up”, Lebron said matter-of-factly. “Delonte (West) triple-dog-dared me- What was I supposed to do?” An investigation as to West’s role in the matter is still pending.

Adam Morrison wins Scandinavian Dunk Contest

The internet and basketball world alike are abuzz following the leak of a video of a dunk contest that broke out during half-time of the Scandinavian All-Star game held in Reykjavik, Iceland this past weekend. The contest featured former Toronto Raptor point guard, Master P, the NCAA’s most prolific scorer (ever), Adam Morrison, and an impressive showing by the P-90 X guy. But the real star was Morrison, who dazzled the crowd with an array of acrobatic jams, including the first-ever Between-the-Face dunk, which literally brought the house down. There were no survivors.

OOOOh Yeeaaa: “Macho Man” out 4-6 Weeks

The most recent comeback attempt by wrestling superstar, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, was sidelined Tuesday afternoon when the former tag-team champion was injured while snapping into a Slim-Jim. Savage suffered a broken lower-mandible and is expected to be out of commission for the next month or so, although a scheduled MRI will reveal the exact results.

Joakim Noah day-to-day (Bad Vibes)

Chicago Bulls centre Joakim Noah recently suffered from a “killed buzz” when a baby caribou was eaten by a wolf on the National Geographic documentary he was watching last night. Says Noah, “I know that’s what happens in nature or whatever, but that don’t make it right, you know?” In related news, Noah did not make the recent road trip with his team because he couldn’t fit his weed into the overhead compartment.

Iverson: ‘Practice’ Incident a Hoax

In a shocking discovery, it was recently revealed that the whole “we talking about practice” ordeal involving Allen Iverson was part of an elaborate hoax created by the Philadelphia 76ers public relations team. It turns out Iverson loves practice; he is on record saying, “I relish the opportunity to bond with my teammates and to develop and refine the fundamental basketball skills that are necessary to be successful at the professional level”. It was also revealed that the cornrows and tattoos Iverson made famous, along with his 2001 MVP trophy were part of the same hoax. Sources learned of the news through legally sanctioned wire-taps on Iverson’s phone made possible by the Patriot Act. God Bless America.